Tuesday 4 March 2014

Copland appoints 6th head in 5 years out of the Ark


Guest blog by 'Antediluvian' 

Having earlier had to extend the job application deadline by 2 weeks for reasons which can only be guessed at, Copland has now found a new head teacher for September when the school is scheduled to be taken over by Ark Schools, an academy chain.   The new head, currently a primary head at Wembley Ark, will work with the associate head designate, Delia Smith, currently head of Wembley Ark (and who she already works with), and is a product of the Future Leaders programme which was  co-founded by  Ark.  (Previous Future Leaders products at Copland  have been very impressive in their ability to spout the standard nostrums about passion, driving change, transformative visions, making a difference etc  etc, though not sufficiently impressive to conceal an absence  of both independent thought  and, it has to be said, emotional  intelligence. It has been remarked before that, if these are going to be the Leaders  then the Future doesn’t look too bright).

The announcement by Ark of the appointment of an Ark-trained Ark product as the new Ark head is likely to increase staff concern that this year’s  ‘staff reorganisations’ (4 so far and more to come),  the decimation of the 6th form and  the introduction of the new, unattractive slimline Austerity Curriculum are part of a planned  near-complete purging of staff and students preparatory to a running  down of the school while the new building is erected.  In this 2 year interim period,  radical Arkification  can be expected in which any grizzled old Copland diehards will be got rid of to allow re-stocking  with young, compliant, conformist and obedient  Ark-product teachers in preparation for the phoenix-like ‘re-opening’ in 2016. After this, unless the school intake radically alters, expect a new Ark school name, an aspirational new Ark uniform, enhanced verbiage levels,  an embarrassing ‘vision statement’, rapid staff turnover ( termed  ‘teaching unit refreshment’) and  ultimately  a possible  slight improvement in exam results, ( yes I know there is no evidence that academies in general or Ark in particular have any beneficial effect on educational standards,  but doesn’t that contrast piping on the blazer lapels look classy! ). 

Things look grim indeed and with the recent biblical weather, the country plagued with floods and even a film called Noah currently playing in cinemas, it might seem that a certain school brand’s time has come and any resistance is futile. However, Copland teachers should take the longer view and find solace in the fact that, despite countless exhaustive searches over many years in and around the Mount Ararat area, there has never ever been found  any remaining  vestige, trace, remnant, scrap or relic of anything remotely resembling an  Ark.  

(‘And the redundancy notices went out two by two, two by two, two by two………..’)

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Spot on with the predictions, Antediluvian, 'consultation' on new name and new uniform about to begin we hear.
Billy Bunter edging on blazer lapels goes without saying but any suggestions for new name? We'll start the ball rolling with HEDGEFUNDIA COLLEGE. Any more?

Anonymous said...

Wembley Asbestos-Free School?

Anonymous said...

Brown Envelope High?

Anonymous said...

As with the questionable narrative of the Biblical Ark itself so the questionable claims to success and the ethical values of the ARK brand must themselves be taken to task.

Continuing the metaphor let's not exclude those two key concepts - mutation and extinction.

Namely, the mutation of teachers into little more than office managers and box tickers (as long as the Ministry is happy...) and the extinction of creativity - who needs independent thinkers when there are call centres to populate.

How much more piffle do qualified and responsible teachers have to endure from the self-appointed illuminati of mediocrity.

Speaking from my own personal experience of such, I recall with dread being told by a senior manager that grammar is no longer relevant; that learning can take place through a process of osmosis; and the educational achievements of those who were schooled in the 1960's and '70's are of no consequence in the 'modern' world.

Needless to say that this grammar school educated chap of the 1970's now promotes academy thinking!

Is this what Britain now needs - shallow and superficial 'faux' education facilitated by ideologues of hypocrisy?

As the Biblical ark stands foregrounded against the backdrop of archaeology as a consensual act of faith, so too the the jargon based lifeform - the 'Academician' - in respect of pedagogy and scholarship.

As with the remaining staff at Copland our collective despair falls upon the deaf ears of the self-interested, the jobsworths, and more importantly, and sadly, those who have been granted the financial governance of our childrens' education.

My school motto in the bad old seventies was 'Ad Astra'. For the new managerial class within education I offer a paraphrase in 'modern' parlance - 'Do yeh bes' innit, blud'.

Perhaps a more apt motto for the blazer wearers of future ARK and other academy pupils should be 'Nil desperandum'.

Anonymous said...

Wembley Asbestos-Free School?

Anonymous said...

Ark Education Unit # 33

Anonymous said...

The Masons Arms?

Anonymous said...

The Sir Rhodes Boyson Memorial Academy?

Merchant Bankers' School?

Anonymous said...

'Annabel's' ?

Anonymous said...

Wembley Edulodge 2

Anonymous said...

The Cheatin' and Harrow Memorial Academy.
School motto: '2.7 Million Quids Can't Be Wrong'

Anonymous said...

What about PAVEY ARK (Pavey Ark is the name of a fell in Cumbria, really!) to honour his role in the whole dishonourable business. Or to commemorate Mr Butt's contribution to the advancement of Tory education policy, how about MO's ARK ?

Anonymous said...

To make sure it comes first in the phone book, AARDV ARK .

Anonymous said...

New school colours and uniform suggestions. Aspirational blazer in academically rigorous broad stripes of blue (representing Gove and the Tories' contribution), yellow ( Butt and Pavey's political spinelessness) and green ( to represent Ark's hedge-fund founders' avarice and greed and the new headteacher's education experience, 2 and a half years in teaching). Contrast edging on the lapels because it represents 'the best of the past' (Billy Bunter, rote learning, poor working conditions, no unions, longer hours, casualisation, agency staff, 'flexibility' etc etc ...............). Matching masonic apron to remind us how we got here in the first place. Sensible shoes. And for summer......?

Anonymous said...

It has to be Aspirational Straw Hats for lady scholars, Boaters for boys (or maybe just buy up Michaela's unused stock, they won't be needing them at current rates of progress).
If it's too hot for clothes, Naked Greed? Or maybe Emperor's New ..........

Anonymous said...

Surely the point is lost here. The pupils have been the ones that have suffered in all the happenings in the past number of years. The teachers also must have been pulling their hair out at times. The words "judge lest ye be judged" comes to mind. Give the new head a chance she may surprise us all and for the pupils and teachers sake I hope she does. I say good luck!